Asides

Frances speaks

Me: Frances, how was preschool?
F: There was a bad baby.
Me: A bad baby?
F: Yes
M: Why, what did the bad baby do?
F: She hit me!!!
M: She hit you? Oh no.
F: It hurt!!
M. What was her name??
F: Jooooolia.
M: Oh dear. Where did she hit you?
F: Uhhhh. On my arm.
M: I see, and what happened?
F: I told Miss Jackie!!!
M: you told Miss Jackie??
F: Yes
M: And what happened?
F: Joooooolya had time out! Because she is a bad baby! Miss Jackie said!
M: Right. this is why we don’t hit. Right?
F: But sometimes I hit Stella.
M: Right, which is bad. We shouldn’t hit, right?
F: Uh, sometimes I hit Stella.
M: But should we hit Stella?
F: Uh. Yes.

Evening commentary

Oliver (emerging from his room naked): “Oh, hi Mom. I’m just going to your bathroom to use the scale. I’d like to see if I have an atomic weight that is more than copper.”

Stella (on being asked how the beginning of her softball game went, as I missed the start): “How would I know?”

Frances (on being asked to count for me): “Wun, Tooooo, Thwee, Fiyev, Red, Bwooo, Cake.”

Dinner time conversation

So the other night at dinner, we decided to play the “question game.” I went around the table and asked Oliver the capital of some obscure African country (he got it), Stella to count by 100s to 1000 (she did so) and Frances what the letter “p” says, (“mmmm” responded the third, neglected child).

Then I asked both Oliver and Stella harder questions, and they both got them wrong, and were annoyed. Stella, indignant, declared that she was going to ask ME questions, and I told her to give it her best shot:

Stella: Okay, Mom, first question. What is the capital of South America?

Me: There isn’t a capital of South America.

Stella: Wrong!!

Me: Seriously, Stella, there is no…

Stella: yes there is! Right, Oliver??

Oliver (dazed from stuffing as much dinner in his mouth as possible): Huh??

Stella (taking this as affirmation): See! You are wrong. In fact you are two-times wrong because you didn’t even know the question was right AND you didn’t get the answer. Okay, next question: Name a really tall tree.

Me: A redwood!

Stella: Wrong! The answer is an OAK. Remember that, mom. OAK. Besides, wood is not red. Trees are brown. Okay. Third question: Name an animal that starts with a “p”.

Me: A penguin!

Stella: Nope! The answer is a platypus.

Me: But penguin starts with a “p” too.

Stella: No it doesn’t, MOM. The “p” says …

Frances: Mmmmmm

Oliver: Duh, Frances

Stella: Duh, Frances

Frances: DUH, MOMMY!!!

Me: Stella, the “p” says . . .

Frances: AAA!

Oliver: Duh, Frances

Frances: DUH, OHBER!!!

Stella: Can we quit playing this game?

At the doctor’s

Doctor told Stella she had failed the “three kidney test”–she had only two–and thus couldn’t go to kindergarten. Stella started to look mortified, then looked as him closely and smiled:

“You are a joker. Nobody has three kittneys! I have four! And that is the right amount so I can too go to school!”  He agreed. He also told her he couldn’t read.

“Wow, that is pretty good that you are a doctor when you can’t even read,” she said. “Can you at least draw??”

Personal Beeswax

Oliver: Stella, please finish your chicken. Because Mom says I can’t have fruit or a treat until you are done too. So eat.
Stella: Mind your own beeswax, Ohber.
Oliver: It is BUSINESS, Stella, not beeswax. It is mind your own BUSINESS.
Stella. No, Ohber. It is MY beeswax, so I can say beeswax. And it is my own personal beeswax. So mind it. Oliver: It IS my business–BUSINESS–Stella, because I can’t have treat because you are taking so long. So eat your chicken.
Stella: No Ohber! My business is my beeswax and you cannot mind it because I am minding it, personally. The beeswax is mine!
Oliver: Stella!! That doesn’t make any sense!
Stella: Let me say it another way, OHBER, so you can UNDERSTAND: Leave Me Alone! Got it??