Category Archives: Oliver

Preparation

strasselgirl (2:24:27 PM): omg, nightmare. i just accidentally tuned to a station that was showing a live birth

MatthwRose (2:24:33 PM): lvfehopgebvohNFLBNWSF:vb

MatthwRose (2:24:34 PM): ifjrewopjfweldvnsldncaSCsdc

strasselgirl (2:24:36 PM): oh no

MatthwRose (2:24:39 PM): STOP STOP STOP

strasselgirl (2:25:18 PM): i can’t do that

MatthwRose (2:25:28 PM): i bet she didnt have drugs

strasselgirl (2:25:49 PM): she did. and it was still disgusting

Waiting, waiting, waiting. I’ll never get out of here. I’ll die in Casablanca.

I’m more than a tad disappointed to discover my lack of parental authority even before I’ve officially become a parent. Oliver/Jimmy Strassel Rose has been threatening to make an appearance for days now, but other than doing nasty things to Kim’s insides, the likes of which would make your toast shrivel, he doesn’t seem much inclined to leave. Who would? It’s warm, dark, you eat all the time. What’s not to like? I tried shouting at him; charming him out like a snake; ignoring him; poking him. Nothing. The poking, which was least effective, also carried with it significant negative externalities. He’s obviously not even bored of the endless Law & Order reruns that pass for entertainment while we wait.

There was a moment late on Sunday night when it looked as if the train was leaving the station. It didn’t, although for reasons I still don’t fully understand, the shock led Kim and I to decide it would be a fine idea to assemble a stroller and car-seat attachment at 2 a.m, using a set of instructions poorly translated from the original Urdu. Now, we have a stroller, which is fully functional, but as of this moment, not particularly useful.

There’s no shortage of advice about getting him out. There’s no shortage of advice about everything, as it happens, most of it unsolicited. One irony-challenge distant cousin gave unsolicited advice about the usefulness of unsolicited advice. Suggestions include, in no particular order, and presumably not to be attempted simultaneously: jumping, walking, sex, aubergines, potatoes, cauliflower, castor oil, chocolate.